Double the Pleasure...Double the Fun!

Hello all -

I know this is crazy, I don't usually post twice in one day, but some things are on my mind and therefore I must put them in writing.

Thanks to my presence on the net (and a little help from Shawn) my desire to reconnect with old friends came to fruition today. My friend, Susan, wife of The Shadow, found me on the net today and dropped me a line. We ended up talking on the phone for an hour (the phone is not something I am a big fan of) and it was fabulous. She rocks (as always) and it was wonderful filling each other in on our lives (me working like a dog, her raising two girls). (Ahhhh, so nice).

It was a fabulous break in the day of migraine and really helped perk me up. But then, I started thinking a lot (and we all know I should not do that) and it makes me wonder...have I lost my grip with reality? Probably so, but I am enjoying the ride. It is a part of this blast from the past theme I have going the past couple of weeks and it has been wonderful.

So what to do, what to do...life. Life happens. You never expect the twists and turns and you usually enjoy going along for the ride, and that is what I am doing right now...going with the flow. No pressure, no pain, no regrets, no doubts. This is a new leaf I am turning over...so I have a few things to say to a few people:

-> Nikolas - you were a dear to me and truly a wonderful man. I was just a kid trying to find her way in the world and had a lot of "hollywood ending"-type ideals of how love should be. You were very accommodating and for that I will always care for you, but I know you are in a better place now.

-> Matt - wow - you were the master manipulator. You were a serial killer in training. You knew what to say and how to say it to move me like the puppet you felt I was. I learned from you now not to relate to people. You took Nik's death and used it to get what you wanted from me and now you are a distant memory that I laugh about. I was so young and stupid and I will never allow myself to be used and abused like that again. Thank you for the life lesson.

-> Mitch - can you say rebound? I used you as much as you used me. But I did learn a lot of tricks from you (we all thank you for that) and enjoyed the time spent with you. However, I was very happy once that was over as it wasn't healthy for me. You were better off going back to your list of conquests. Be thankful that I stopped returning your calls.

-> Chris - I don't know what to say here. You are in love with the idea of me and who you think I am. You love the fact that your parents approve of me and I have direction in my life. I care about you deeply, but know that on some level I was more interested in the idea of you too. We are better off as friends and I wish you only the best.

-> Christopher - I love you and always will, but I don't think I was ever truly "in love" with you. I think I was infatuated with the idea of you and that clouded my judgement (clearly, as I broke one of my rules for you). We were both in very odd places at the time and it seems like we both finally have our lives on track and I am proud to consider you a friend now and forever.

-> Jean-Ian - I am taking a big leap actually putting something out there, but I know I loved you. I don't know how it happened or why, but I do know that I learned from my experience with you that I shouldn't wait around for life to happen to me. I had no idea what I had standing next to me all of those nights until it was too late - I should have listened to the 20 people around us trying to tell me there was chemistry and electricity between us. It was a wild and crazy ride and neither one of us was prepared for anything to happen between us. The ugliness that ensued once you left Macon, that wasn't me and that wasn't you. I know you are happy now and that makes me happy for you. It was not meant to be.

-> David - I'm not sure where you fell in the mix, but you proved to me that you shouldn't mix business and pleasure - you were my first (and probably last) guy from work. I'm sure you are off somewhere running a bar or restaurant and partying with friends. Thanks for the brief distraction.

Wow - I feel better. Sorry for the interruption, folks. This is, after all, personal therapy and a journal of sorts for me to pour my thoughts into.

Now - on with my life. I'm looking for some fun - to kick back and relax and enjoy life. I'm not saying I will be picking up more guys in bars, but I know how to have a good time with friends and just let it be...

Off to dreamland...