A Matter of Trust

Sorry it has been a few days since I last posted, but I figured I needed a couple of days to try and chill so my posts were not quite so "ranty."

The question of the day has been "So how was Episode III?!"

Why don't you all take a seat...I didn't go. Quiet down, quiet down. The world is NOT coming to an end or anything; it was a matter of circumstance and really came as no big surprise. Now to worry, I am going to go and see it on Sunday with some friends and I am sure I will enjoy every minute of it!

Today is a very odd day - I had originally taken the day off since I had plans for the flick last night, but ended up coming in and not wasting the vacation hours for no reason. I'm still working my arse off on this project and I keep thinking I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but then something else crops up.

I'm in a weird place right now and haven't really figured out what do to next. I am at a loss. I am a very lucky person and I have a lot of people around me who care about me and help look out for me. I think this comes from years of being selfless when it came to my friends and putting others ahead of myself. I never really did something for someone with the expectation of getting something out of it (except for the satisfaction of helping a friend), but it has really touched me in the last couple of weeks to have all the love and support that I do. And who knew I would need it? Certainly not me.

So, to all of my dear friends who have put up with me all these years and stayed close friends (even when I was gone to California for 2 years), I thank you. You are all such wonderful people and I feel like I don't deserve you :)

It's really hard dealing with loss and usually someone has actually died, which is where this feeling of loss comes from...however to lose someone who is still alive, but has basically broken ties and moved on to other things, with little or no explanation and just a trail of broken promises and hurtful acts, is hard to deal with.

5 Stages of Grief
Shock/Denial
Inward Anger
Outward Anger
Depression
Acceptance

Well, I have made it through the first 2 - I think that is safe to say. Stage 2 was all about, 'what did I do?' 'how did I make this happen?' 'I should have done something different." Stage 3 has become all about a lack of trust; you place your trust in someone and they use that to take advantage or hurt you in ways you never imagined. I really didn't think this would happen to me, but alas, I was wrong.

It is one thing to pull away from someone due to being scared, not wanting to say goodbye, etc., which is perfectly understandable and avoidable if the friendship is strong. However, it is the deliberate acts of cruelty and doing things to hurt others that always has me baffled. It is a tough road for me, and having access to heavy drugs right now is probably not a good thing...

Don't panic - I'm not doing anything rash and nor would I ever - I just mean that while dulling the knee pain, I am also able to dull the heart pain...today, that is a good thing, but overall it keeps me in denial for a very long time.

I'll live. I refuse to be "poor me" and complain forever. I have promised myself that I will not let this cloud anything and everything that comes my way.

Pick yourself up...
Take a deep breath...
Dust yourself off
And start all over again.